The Archives of Us

Some things are too beautiful to forget

Mar 23, 2026

Broke

We are all humans, Aqsa. Breathing, living, finite heartbeats. One day all of this just… stops. And somewhere in that limited time, I knew what we had was real. Something that mattered. Mattered a lot to the both of us.

And while I tried to stepped back in the last few days… it was not because I didn’t care, but because I was trying, really really trying not to make things worse between us…you didn't see that and you chose to say all of this to me.

You called me manipulative. You said I fake my emotions.

You said my “I love yous” are empty… that none of this was ever real.

Do you understand what that did to me?

You didn’t just question me… you erased me and everything I did.

Every explanation I gave you became “defence.” Everything I did for you became an “act.” Every effort I made became fake. And somehow only yours counted. I've always appreciated everything you did without an expectation from you. But the least you could have done was not reduced me to “all talk.”

You said I never understood you, that I never even tried.

And that’s what breaks me the most… because I did try.

And I know I wasn’t there for you in that moment when you called and were puking, and I didn’t show up the way you needed me to. You needed me, not the space I gave. I get that, and I am guilty of that.

I’m still trying to understand. But in my own way, I know it's not the best because it's not working, but I am trying to understand your perspectives and world.

Even now, I go back and read everything again and again trying to understand you trying to see where I failed you. Trying to figure out... nevermind.

And when I stayed silent just to stop things from getting worse between us… you turned that into proof that I don’t care.

You said I left you.

How?

How did I leave you when I was still there even after being blocked, ignored, pushed away. I stayed.

I never attacked you for that. Not once.

You said I broke your heart, and then you said none of this was ever real.

And then you said… that if it was about sex, I would’ve been different and not defensive.

Do you know what that felt like?

Like everything I was to you got reduced into something small, something cheap and inelegant.

Like the version of me you chose to believe in that moment, was never me at all.

I heard everything you said, Aqsa.

Every word.

You're forgiven, but it caused irreversible damage.

That no matter how much I tried no matter how much of myself I put into this it still isn’t enough for you to feel it because my actions screw up what my intentions want.

I told you I would punish myself. And I am at hell's gates as I type this, even when you called me just a few minutes ago.

But because I don’t know what to do with something that meant this much to me and still ended like this.

Maybe myself in the process is just what happens when you care this deeply and it still doesn’t reach the other person.

I will remember this forever. I will give up whatever mattered to me the most in these recent months. Maybe losing myself is the way for you to realize how much this meant to me because maybe words were not enough to describe them.

I don’t know anymore.

I just… don’t.

-Cay :(

Mar 13, 2026

Maarungi

Dear Imaginary Friend,

Writing this to you, because no one else means more to me than her, and there's no one else I can say this to. I am absolutely in love with her. I want to cherish, protect and be there when she needs me, not because she needs saving, but because caring for her is all I want to dedicate myself to.

We've come far, like when compared to others, because we didn’t start the way most people do. Most people begin as strangers. We began as anonymous strangers. I didn't even notice when it happened, it just did, and now she's all I have in my head and I am glad. I guess I am stuck with you now hehe, because I wouldn't choose otherwise.

You've always claimed you're avoidant, but you've always been present. We've both fought, we've apologized, we've repaired, and we've stayed. We never truly ran from anything, and that's because we really wanted this. We've bult this by hand, one moment at a time. And from that... to now faking a meeting to surprise me before anyone else did. I'd never felt this lucky.

I love you, a lot lot. And yes, you are amazing. (She knows she's amazing, but I must mention it warna wo bohot maaregi XD)

Thank you for staying with me, and thank you for staying up for me. I've always noticed every little thing you've done for me, and it stays very close to my heart, all of what you do, and all of you.

*forehead and feet kisses*

-With love ❤️ (large peri peri fries amount)

Mar 9, 2026

Gratitude

No, nothing you say to me is an attack. My hair is bad, but you still loveeee it. Meow.

Thanks for staying there for me. It's getting better. Everyday, I am restoring my calm, stabilizing mentally, conquering worlds, both business and personal. There's still a bit of friction, but it is unrelated to you. In fact, you help me ease it. Thanks for listening to every call of mine. Thanks for choosing every outfit for me. Thanks for every emergency call. Thanks for your tulips. Was gonna nom nom nom on roses otherwise. Thanks for the lavender scented candle, mum loves it. And thanks for the octopus, she loves me (and hates me 50%, but I still love her.)

Frankly, you don't need to do anything for me. Your presence and your bracelet is all I need. It's me who needs to apologize instead, I snap and vent on you sometimes. I want it to stop, and I work on it everyday. You're always on my mind. It's a bit of an additional strength to everything I do. So thanks for being on my mind. Always.

Sleep tight love. I'll be there as usual when you wake up. Plumpy lips, all mine :)

Mar 8, 2026

Stay

Thanks for dressing me up today. Your outfit choices are like a part of you I carry on me, including that bracelet. I miss everything about you. That shy smile. That playful anger. Every roast of yours. Everything.

Life throws curved balls at times, but you told me you'd never give up. You're a fighter. Imma stand aside you everytime. You're never alone. Through thick and through thin, forever aside. You never gave up on me, and I would never. I can't imagine a morning without your presence. So don't punish me with that absence. Always stay. Stay for me. Stay for what the future has for us. Stay for everything you're going to bake for me. Don't leave me alone. Because I need you.

So much more to type but at a birthday party. I love you. You're strong :)

Happy women's day meow.

Feb 24, 2026

Unreal

I think I won today. That bracelet and the octopus are you, parts of you, now forever with me. I thought the sentiment with the hoodie was as real as it would get, but these just made me feel what I always felt even more intensely. I wish, wish, wish I could make you feel what I am feeling because it's magical. I was smiling the whole time. It's been three hours, and I couldn't stop thinking about it even one bit. You're way too kind.

I will gift you something special someday. I promise. I only have my heart to give you today. You gave me all I wanted, and I'll give you all I have.

There is no way I can imagine losing you or this.

Feb 6, 2026

You

I am writing this while you are peacefully asleep. I never usually write of you, as much as I write about things about you. So it hit me, you go through quite a bit of things in life- exam stress, peer drama, and at times, sickness. If I could just take all your pain on me, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Well, half a heartbeat.

I just hope you get well soon, like fast fast, and we go back to the usual focus to nail these exams. We've got such a fun and cute future out there, and I'll ensure pain isn't a part of it- mentally nor physically.

I meow you.

Feb 2, 2026

Exothermic

Great session last night! I loved every every bit of it. Chemistry, well, both, ours and the one in your book is soooo refreshing. I enjoyed it. I am not the best teacher when it comes to chemicals, but I am glad I could be of help. Study hard, I've got your back :)

Feb 1, 2026

Bougainvillea

This flower has officially become a keepsake for your memory when you aren't around. I saw so many of them when I was at the housewarming event. It was an instant reminder of you. I stopped, and clicked pictures for you. Everyone likely wondered what had gotten into me because I don't usually click flower pictures meow.

Jan 26, 2026

Unconditional

You do say some very hurtful things, I know you don’t intend to, it’s your defense mechanism to push me away…I’ll take it, what’s pride to me anyway? :)

But I won’t return that hurt to you. You deserve the love and affection. Unconditional.

Jan 25, 2026

The Hoodie

I hadn't realized a piece of clothing would have so much value to me. I wanted to cancel it, but I kept it. The gesture meant a lot. It arrived today. I didn't unpack it today, figured I'll just preserve it as is.

Jan 24, 2026

Day Zero

I’m not sure if you’ll come back this time, but I won’t let a moment of my panic disrespect what we built. So, I’ve dedicated this website to you, like a memento. It isn't much, but I hope it serves as a collection for every beautiful thing I felt while I was with you.

Maybe you’ll read this one day. Maybe you won't. But that won’t stop me from giving these memories the love and care they deserve.

Maybe the timing wasn't right. But when you think about the billions of years the universe has existed, and the fact that we managed to find each other for these specific few months… I’d say we hit the bullseye with the timing.

I’m going to build this by hand. One beautiful postcard at a time. I’ll fill it with the moments that made my time slow down. Not to bring you back, but to find peace, and perhaps let you read this after I lose myself.

Meow.

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